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chipmunk in Tokyo 2011

ya..

I am lost lost lost. This is frustratingggg.
As of..in about two months, i will be 21. 
Fuck. 
I think compared to a lot of people, I have about the wisdom and life experience of maybe a young teenager. A very naive, young teenager. 
Now I have this sense of panic. 
I suppose I am--for lack of a better word, attemping to do some "soul searching" (I cringe at the cheesiness of that phrase), yea..
***
I wonder what would've happened had I decided to go to some arts school for something like fine arts or design? Would I be happily traveling and creating things, would I be struggling ot pay my rent and make ends meet and trying to get noticed because god knows with this sort of career choice it's difficult to "succeed" through traditional means, would I be a completely different person? What if i had choosen science? History?
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Right now I know I don't want to live in a place remotely like Kanata, or any place so suburban it's sickening.
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It really sucks when you realize, that you have so many interests branching out everywhere, but none that you are actually really devoted to or skilled at. 
That is like me. 
I say, I like drawing, but I am not the best nor have I attempted to do any real drawing for a long while. 
I say, I'm good at painting, but seeing as I have abandoned that hobby for so long, it's probably a bit rusty and if I pick up a brush, it would feel awkward and I won't know what to do with it. 
I say, I like the piano, and can play, but I can hardly call it a "talent or hobby", for I can only play a few songs, very badly. 
I say, I like books and literature, but I'm not nearly as well-read as I would like to be, seeing as my to-read list only gets longer. I know of some authors and their major works, the themes they wrote about it, but have not necessarily carefully read all of them or attempted to fullyy grasp what I've read.
I say, I like cooking and making food, but haven't attempted to do any serious cooking, i am still only average when it comes to preparing food and have to follow a recipe. One can hardly say I am "good in the kitchen". I don't know what makes a dish "pop" or what makes a baked good..extra good. 
So, basically, interested in many things, good at none.
):
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EDIT: And i am now going back to studying for something I definitely have the least interest in. ):
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Comments

welcome to my life... isn't it wonderful?

Trust me Xiaohe, I can tell you with full confidence that you're not the only person to be thinking this.
well seems like a lot of people have it sort of figured out, at least they've done much more
oh trust me, I know. My mind goes blank whenever the end of university pops up. My mind goes blank when I even think about next year.

You should feel good knowing that you're interested in many things. And I tell ya what, you're much further ahead than I am... the only thing that I was interested in, I'm not so sure if I still am anymore. Nor do I know what to do with my degree, or if it's worth anything at all.

To be honest, I am envious of you at times. I wish I could be interested in more stuff... to actually enjoy doing something.
i will make an effort to explore or rather re-explore some of these interests i've neglected.

I can think of a couple things you still like, like wine, volleyball, :P
And hey if the paper is stressing you out and taking the fun away from photography, you could always take a break and come back to it later, don't let it ruin it for you (:
i'm beginning to think i'm the only person not thinking this ... but that's just because i dont let myself think about anything... really... yo'll do fine gurrrrl.
chipmunk in Tokyo 2011

July 2009

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